Reports this weekend indicate that the Dallas Cowboys are at least thinking of acquiring miscreant defensive back, Pacman Jones, from the Tennessee Titans.
Jones has had more legal problems than almost any other player in the history of the National Football League.
Here’s his mugshot from Las Vegas:
Jones’ exact role in a Las Vegas strip club shooting, during N.B.A. All-Star weekend, last year has not yet been determined.
Though now suspended by the NFL, Pacman has openly campaigned for a job with the Cowboys.
If the Cowboys acquire the biggest scumbag in the league, maybe I can go back to hating them like the Dallas teams of my youth.
Growing up, I wasn’t like other kids. I didn’t have a favorite team. We moved around too much for me to form any particular allegiance. Instead, my favorite team each week was WHOEVER WAS PLAYING THE DALLAS COWBOYS. That’s how much I hated them!
In fact, I can remember the exact moment I began hating the Dallas Cowboys. It was a Thanksgiving in the 70’s and I was watching the old CBS pregame show, “The NFL Today,” with Brent Musberger, Irv Cross and Phyllis George.
(look: old school racist Jimmy “The Greek”)
During the pregame show, Phyllis George, was interviewing the Cowboys coach, Tom Landry.
During the interview Landry said something that I’ll never forget. He looked her right in the eye and said, “Phyllis, you have to believe in Jesus Christ to play for the Dallas Cowboys.”
Well, even as an 11-year-old I was cynical enough to think “what a load of crap!” I was just starting to read the newspaper every day and it seemed not a week went by without some member of this God Squad getting arrested for some particularly sleazy, heinous crime. I mean, I don’t know much about What-Would-Jesus-Do? but I’ll tell you what He WOULDN’T do. Jesus wouldn’t be in the paper with a story about how He “sexually assaulted a paraplegic minor” like Cowboys defensive star “Hollywood” Henderson. And He certainly wouldn’t write a book later about why the reason He did the “bad thing” to the little girl in the wheelchair was because He was high on FREAKIN’ COCAINE.
So, in honor of Pacman Jones and those Cowboys of my youth:
The Top 10 Dallas Cowboy Arrests of All-Time:
10. Rafael Septien: January 22, 1987 Former Cowboys kicker, Rafael Septien, was indicted in Dallas County, Texas on a charge of “indecency with a child.” He was accused of having sex with a 10-year-old girl. The charges were later ammendended to “aggravated child molestation.” On April 9th of that year Septien pled guilty to a single charge of “indecency with a child.” And what type of sentence did the now-convicted child molester get? Probation. Don’t forget, this was Dallas County (the court did fine Septien a whopping $ 2,000). That’s right, Septien didn’t spend a single day in jail for being convicted of molesting a child.
At least the kicker felt enough remorse to flee the country. He moved to Mexico after the conviction. (Cancun, in case you were thinking of making a trip. Probably best to leave the kids at home.) Too bad the folks in the Dallas County Prosecutor’s Office were incapable of feeling the same amount of shame. The country would be better off if Septien had taken them with him.
This whole story sickens me, so let’s just move on.
9. Dwayne Goodrich: January 15, 2003 On the evening of Jan. 14 , 2003 , defensive back Dwayne Goodrich, an active member of the Cowboys at the time, was arrested on two counts of vehicular manslaughter. Apparently these two guys:
saw a burning vehicle on the side of the road of a Dallas freeway. The good samaritans pulled over to help and rushed to pull the driver out of the burning vehicle. Unfortunately, before they could heroically rescue the man from the burning car, Goodrich plowed into them with his silver BMW doing 110 mph killing the would be do-gooders. He then fled the scene of the crime before being arrested the next day.
Additional charges were later added. On Sept. 8, 2003 Goodrich was convicted on two counts of vehicular homicide and sentenced to seven and a half years in prison. In 2006 prosecutor’s and the victims families were successful in lobbying to add five more years to Goodrich’s sentence.
8. Larry Bethea: August 1987 This former Cowboys defensive lineman was arrested and later convicted of stealing $ 64,000 from his own mother. Amazingly, Bethea is one of TWO Dallas Cowboys who were accused of stealing their mothers life savings!
While on probation for that crime, Bethea, a former first round draft pick by the Cowboys, killed himself in 1987. Apparently he spent all of mom’s money and police were coming to arrest him for a pair of armed robberies. Bethea shot himself in the head.
But hey, he played for Tom Landry, so at least he believed in Jesus.
7. Dexter Clinkscale 1998 They say in politics you never want to get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. That explains the end of former Cowboys defensive back, Dexter Clinkscale’s, budding political career before it ever really got started. Clinkscale was arrested for having sexual relations and molesting an 18-year-old “boy” in 1998. That put an immediate end to him running for political office in Texas but didn’t prevent him from being named the director of sports for the Reverend Jesse Jackson’s Rainbow/PUSH coalition. (and lecturing Major League Baseball about the IMMORALITY of their hiring practices.)
6. Harvey Martin August 13, 1996 After “smoking crack all evening” this former end on the “Doomsday Defense” was arrested for domestic violence. It was the former Dallas star’s third arrest in five months. All involved beating a woman. He eventually took a plea deal on domestic violence and cocaine charges and was sentenced to eight months of rehab. He died on Christmas Eve 2001.
Here’s the grave of the most prolific woman beater and crack smoker in Dallas Cowboys history:
5. Bob Hayes 1978 A couple of years after his playing career ended, former Cowboys star receiver Bob Hayes was arrested for distributing cocaine. Hayes was so fast he is reputed to be the reason NFL teams came up with zone defenses.
A true sports pioneer, Hayes was the first track star to make the transition to professional football.
He also had another pioneering distinction. “Bullet” Bob was the first world-famous athlete who was convicted of being a drug dealer. Hayes went to prison in April 1979 after he was caught personally delivering cocaine to an undercover police officer. Apparently being “The World’s Fastest Human” wasn’t enough for him to outrun the long arm of the law.
Bob Hayes once held the world record for the 100 yard dash. He actually ran it in 9.1 seconds (and this was in the 1960’s!)
Here’s Hayes as an American hero after winning an Olympic Gold Medal:
Hayes died on September 18, 2002 and is the only coke dealer in the Dallas Cowboys “Ring of Honor.” So far.
4. Lance Rentzel 1970 This former star wide receiver was arrested for exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl. When he was arrested, Rentzel was married to actress Joey Heatherton (arguably one of the world’s most beautiful women at the time.)
I’ve been pretty careful so far to source and link a lot of references while writing this post. On this one, what’s the point? Rentzel himself tried to capitalize on the incident and wrote a really horrible book about it.
Besides, who could make up a story like this???? I can only imagine the conversation Rentzel had with himself that fateful day:
Lance Rentzel: “Hmmm. What should I do today? Go inside the house and hit this…”
or Lance Rentzel: “Nah, I think I’ll go bother the neighbor’s kid.”
Heatherton divorced Rentzel shortly after the episode.
Rentzel actually had the nerve to whine about how the public “perceived” him and how unfair it was for the Cowboys to release him. He told Sport magazine, “There are parts of it…like the hate mail. And the Lance Rentzel jokes: I’ve heard them all. And it hurts, because as I’ve said many times, I feel like I have some good qualities too.”
Gimme a break! Dude pulled out his Little Lance in front of a ten-year-old girl! What are his nice qualities? He’s nice to puppies (before he molests them.)
Besides it’s been way too long since I’ve heard a good Lance Rentzel joke.
Here’s a couple of facts I bet you didn’t know:
His parents named famed cyclist Lance Armstrong after famed pervert Lance Rentzel.
Joey Heatherton and Lance Rentzel were promoted as the “All American Couple.” In fact, they even briefly had their own network tv variety show. Heatherton’s co-host on the show was Don Knotts.
Finally, despite being one of the most famous sexual deviants in the country, Rentzel later got tv megastar, Victoria Principal, to date him.
I guess she doesn’t read much. Ironically, Principal starred in the tv show “Dallas.”
3. Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson November 8, 1983 In November of 1983 colorful former Cowboys linebacker Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson was arrested for smoking crack with two under-aged teenage girls. He was accused of threatening them with a gun and sexually assaulting them. Henderson claims he gave the girls crack in exchange for consensual sex. One of the girls was described as a “paraplegic minor.” He pled “no contest’ and received a sentence of eight months in rehab then spent two years in prison.
Henderson says his “Hollywood” persona died on that November day in 1983. Since then he has devoted his life to charity and community service work. Henderson even won the Texas lottery in 2000 taking home $ 28 million.
Nate Newton develops sudden case of the munchies
2. Nate Newton November 4, 2001 Looking to expand his employment opportunities following his career as a hefty NFL offensive lineman, Nate Newton was arrested with 213 ponds of marijuana in his car. That alone would be impressive enough but FIVE WEEKS LATER he was caught transporting another 175 pounds of weed.
After his jail sentence Nate Newton became a sports talk show host. Of course.
1. Michael Irvin March 4, 1996 The most famous Cowboy arrest of them all! (Like there was any doubt who was going to end up # 1 on this list!) Actually, Irvin would likely have multiple spots here but I tried to spread the wealth.
In March of 1996 police burst through the door of Irvin’s hotel room. He was celebrating his 30th birthday and as police poured into the room Irvin was apparently snorting cocaine off of a stripper’s breast.
After a circus trial (which Irvin attended wearing a full-length mink coat) “The Playmaker” eventually plead “no contest” and was sentenced to community service, and ordered to pay a $ 10,000 fine .