Archive for the ‘football’ Category

CLASSIC CARLIN: FOOTBALL VS BASEBALL

June 23, 2008

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CAN REGGIE BUSH SAVE HIS WORTHLESS FOOTBALL CAREER?

March 18, 2008

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ProFootballTalk has a story today that indicates New Orleans Saints running back, Reggie Bush, may actually be getting serious about his thusfar mediocre NFL career.

Before now, Bush has been busy with things other than football:

Leeching free Hummers

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Outrunning pop machines

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Not to mention people he took money from while in college

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Lying to the NCAA

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Pursuing his acting and male model careers

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Trying to stop his Heisman Trophy from being repossessed

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and most importantly, BANGING KIM KARDASHIAN and her sweet, sexy, bulbous ass

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That leaves little time for anything else (like training, or working on your declining football skills.) And who can blame the guy?

I’m sure just BANGING KIM KARDASHIAN is pretty much a full time job.

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According to ProFootballTalk, for the first time ever, Bush will now be  participating in the team’s off-season conditioning program.

Saints coach Sean Payton says he’s expecting Bush to participate fully in team workouts this off-season.

It’s about time Bush realized he’s a football player FIRST. That’s the only way he can continue to make enough money to keep BANGING KIM KARDASHIAN’S SWEET, SEXY BULBOUS ASS.

JON KITNA IS CRAZY

March 16, 2008

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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again. Yet, expecting different results.

With that in mind, Detroit Lions quarterback, Jon Kitna IS INSANE. Speaking to the Detroit Free Press over the weekend, Kita AGAIN says that he’d be disappointed with anything less than 10 victories next season. Among other things, he points to the return of running back Tatum Bell in support of a belief that the Lions will be improved in 2008.

That’s the same unfortunate prediction Kitna made LAST YEAR.

The Lions started last season 6-2 before losing seven of their last eight games to finish with yet another losing season at 7-9.

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Under the inspired leadership of doughy General Manager, Matt Millen, the Lions have now had seven losing seasons in a row.

ELI MANNING: TOO SEXY FOR HIS SHIRT

March 10, 2008

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Today’s New York Daily News has an item that Calvin Klein is pursuing Super Bowl hero, Eli Manning, as an underwear model.

 As a society, I thought we’d collectively learned our lesson about having male athletes acting as underwear models:

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Pete Rose

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Jim Palmer

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More Jim Palmer

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Former Celtic Jo Jo White

Besides, I think I speak for all of America when I say the Manning brothers are already overexposed.  Literally.

TOP 10 DALLAS COWBOY ARRESTS OF ALL-TIME

March 10, 2008

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Reports this weekend indicate that the Dallas Cowboys are at least thinking of acquiring miscreant defensive back, Pacman Jones, from the Tennessee Titans.

Jones has had more legal problems than almost any other player in the history of the National Football League.

Here’s his mugshot from Las Vegas:

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Jones’ exact role in a Las Vegas strip club shooting,  during N.B.A. All-Star weekend,  last year has not yet been determined.

Though now suspended by the NFL, Pacman has openly campaigned for a job with the Cowboys.

Fantastic!

If the Cowboys acquire the biggest scumbag in the league, maybe I can go back to hating them like the Dallas teams of my youth.

Growing up, I wasn’t like other kids.  I didn’t have a favorite team.  We moved around too much for me to form any particular allegiance. Instead, my favorite team each week was WHOEVER WAS PLAYING THE DALLAS COWBOYS. That’s how much I hated them!

In fact, I can remember the exact moment I began hating the Dallas Cowboys. It was a Thanksgiving in the 70’s and I was watching the old CBS pregame show, “The NFL Today,” with Brent Musberger, Irv Cross and Phyllis George.

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(look: old school racist Jimmy “The Greek”)

During the pregame show, Phyllis George, was interviewing the Cowboys coach, Tom Landry.

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During the interview Landry said something that I’ll never forget. He looked her right in the eye and said, “Phyllis, you have to believe in Jesus Christ to play for the Dallas Cowboys.”

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Well, even as an 11-year-old I was cynical enough to think “what a load of crap!” I was just starting to read the newspaper every day and it seemed not a week went by without some member of this God Squad getting arrested for some particularly sleazy, heinous crime.  I mean,  I don’t know much about What-Would-Jesus-Do? but I’ll tell you what He WOULDN’T do.  Jesus wouldn’t be in the paper with a story about how He “sexually assaulted a paraplegic minor” like Cowboys defensive star “Hollywood” Henderson. And He certainly wouldn’t write a book later about why the reason He did the “bad thing” to the little girl in the wheelchair was because He was high on FREAKIN’ COCAINE.

So, in honor of Pacman Jones and those Cowboys of my youth:

The Top 10 Dallas Cowboy Arrests of All-Time:

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10. Rafael Septien: January 22, 1987 Former Cowboys kicker, Rafael Septien, was indicted in Dallas County, Texas on a charge of “indecency with a child.” He was accused of having sex with a 10-year-old girl. The charges were later ammendended to “aggravated child molestation.” On April 9th of that year Septien pled guilty to a single charge of “indecency with a child.” And what type of sentence did the now-convicted child molester get? Probation. Don’t forget, this was Dallas County (the court did fine Septien a whopping $ 2,000). That’s right, Septien didn’t spend a single day in jail for being convicted of molesting a child.

At least the kicker felt enough remorse to flee the country. He moved to Mexico after the conviction. (Cancun, in case you were thinking of making a trip. Probably best to leave the kids at home.) Too bad the folks in the Dallas County Prosecutor’s Office were incapable of feeling the same amount of shame. The country would be better off if Septien had taken them with him.

This whole story sickens me, so let’s just move on.

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9. Dwayne Goodrich: January 15, 2003 On the evening of Jan. 14 , 2003 , defensive back Dwayne Goodrich, an active member of the Cowboys at the time, was arrested on two counts of vehicular manslaughter. Apparently these two guys:

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saw a burning vehicle on the side of the road of a Dallas freeway.  The good samaritans pulled over to help and rushed to pull the driver out of the burning vehicle. Unfortunately, before they could heroically rescue the man from the burning car, Goodrich plowed into them with his silver BMW doing 110 mph killing the would be do-gooders. He then fled the scene of the crime before being arrested the next day.

Additional charges were later added. On Sept. 8, 2003 Goodrich was convicted on two counts of vehicular homicide and sentenced to seven and a half years in prison. In 2006 prosecutor’s and the victims families were successful in lobbying to add five more years to Goodrich’s sentence.

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8. Larry Bethea: August 1987 This former Cowboys defensive lineman was arrested and later convicted of stealing $ 64,000 from his own mother. Amazingly, Bethea is one of TWO Dallas Cowboys who were accused of stealing their mothers life savings!

While on probation for that crime, Bethea, a former first round draft pick by the Cowboys,  killed himself in 1987. Apparently he spent all of mom’s money and police were coming to arrest him for a pair of armed robberies. Bethea shot himself in the head.

But hey, he played for Tom Landry, so at least he believed in Jesus.

7. Dexter Clinkscale 1998 They say in politics you never want to get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. That explains the end of former Cowboys defensive back, Dexter Clinkscale’s, budding political career before it ever really got started. Clinkscale was arrested for having sexual relations and molesting an 18-year-old “boy” in 1998. That put an immediate end to him running for political office in Texas but didn’t prevent him from being named the director of sports for the Reverend Jesse Jackson’s Rainbow/PUSH coalition. (and lecturing Major League Baseball about the IMMORALITY of their hiring practices.)

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6. Harvey Martin  August 13, 1996 After “smoking crack all evening” this former end on the “Doomsday Defense” was arrested for domestic violence. It was the former Dallas star’s third arrest in five months. All involved beating a woman. He eventually took a plea deal on domestic violence and cocaine charges and was sentenced to eight months of rehab. He died on Christmas Eve 2001.

Here’s the grave of the most prolific woman beater and crack smoker in Dallas Cowboys history:

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5. Bob Hayes 1978 A couple of years after his playing career ended, former Cowboys star receiver Bob Hayes was arrested for distributing cocaine. Hayes was so fast he is reputed to be the reason NFL teams came up with zone defenses. 

A true sports pioneer, Hayes was the first track star to make the transition to professional football.

He also had another pioneering distinction. “Bullet” Bob was the first world-famous athlete who was convicted of being a drug dealer. Hayes went to prison in April 1979 after he was caught personally delivering cocaine to an undercover police officer. Apparently being “The World’s Fastest Human” wasn’t enough for him to outrun the long arm of the law.

Bob Hayes once held the world record for the 100 yard dash. He actually ran it in  9.1 seconds (and this was in the 1960’s!)

Here’s Hayes as an American hero after winning an Olympic Gold Medal:

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Hayes died on September 18, 2002 and is the only coke dealer in the Dallas Cowboys “Ring of Honor.”  So far.

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4. Lance Rentzel 1970 This former star wide receiver was arrested for exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl. When he was arrested, Rentzel was married to actress Joey Heatherton (arguably one of the world’s most beautiful women at the time.)

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I’ve  been pretty careful so far to source and link a lot of references while writing this post.  On this one, what’s the point? Rentzel himself tried to capitalize on the incident and wrote a really horrible book about it.

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Besides, who could make up a story like this???? I can only imagine the conversation Rentzel had with himself that fateful day:

Lance Rentzel: “Hmmm. What should I do today? Go inside the house and hit this…”

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or Lance Rentzel: “Nah, I think I’ll go bother the neighbor’s kid.”

Heatherton divorced Rentzel shortly after the episode.

Rentzel actually had the nerve to whine about how the public “perceived” him and how unfair it was for the Cowboys to release him. He told Sport magazine, “There are parts of it…like the hate mail. And the Lance Rentzel jokes: I’ve heard them all.  And it hurts, because as I’ve said many times, I feel like I have some good qualities too.”

Gimme a break! Dude pulled out his Little Lance in front of a ten-year-old girl! What are his nice qualities? He’s nice to puppies (before he molests them.)

Besides it’s been way too long since I’ve heard a good Lance Rentzel joke.

Here’s a couple of facts I bet you didn’t know:

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His parents named famed cyclist Lance Armstrong after famed pervert Lance Rentzel.

Joey Heatherton and Lance Rentzel were promoted as the “All American Couple.” In fact, they even briefly had their own network tv variety show. Heatherton’s co-host on the show was Don Knotts.

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Finally, despite being one of the most famous sexual deviants in the country, Rentzel later got tv megastar, Victoria Principal, to date him. 

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I guess she doesn’t read much. Ironically, Principal starred in the tv show “Dallas.”

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3. Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson November 8, 1983 In November of 1983 colorful former Cowboys linebacker Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson was arrested for smoking crack with two under-aged teenage girls. He was accused of threatening them with a gun and sexually assaulting them. Henderson claims he gave the girls crack in exchange for consensual sex. One of the girls was described as a “paraplegic minor.” He pled “no contest’ and received a sentence of eight months in rehab then spent two years in prison.

Henderson says his “Hollywood” persona died on that November day in 1983. Since then he has devoted his life to charity and community service work. Henderson even won the Texas lottery in 2000 taking home $ 28 million.

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Nate Newton develops sudden case of the munchies

2. Nate Newton November 4, 2001 Looking to expand his employment opportunities following his career as a hefty NFL offensive lineman, Nate Newton was arrested with 213 ponds of marijuana in his car. That alone would be impressive enough but FIVE WEEKS LATER he was caught transporting another 175 pounds of weed.

After his jail sentence Nate Newton became a sports talk show host. Of course.

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1. Michael Irvin March 4, 1996 The most famous Cowboy arrest of them all! (Like there was any doubt who was going to end up # 1 on this list!) Actually, Irvin would likely have multiple spots here but I tried to spread the wealth.

In March of 1996 police burst through the door of Irvin’s hotel room. He was celebrating his 30th birthday and as police poured into the room Irvin was apparently snorting cocaine off of a stripper’s breast.

After a circus trial (which Irvin attended wearing a full-length mink coat) “The Playmaker” eventually plead “no contest” and was sentenced to community service, and ordered to pay a $ 10,000 fine .

THE FEMALE DREW PETERSON?

March 8, 2008

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Memo to Clay Bennett: Moving a professional sports franchise
can do more to make you universally hated than any other act in America.

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Richard Nixon was a figure of scorn and derision
during his political career. At one point he was
perhaps the most reviled American of the 20th century.
Upon his death, in 1994, author Hunter S. Thompson
called him a monster “straight out of Grendel” adding
Nixon was the type of guy who “lied to his friends”
and “betrayed his family.”

In writing Nixon’s obituary (which he gleefully
titled, “He was a Crook”), Thompson quoted Gerald Ford
as saying, “I know I will go to hell, because I
pardoned Richard Nixon.”

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(God, I miss Hunter S. Thompson)

Still, upon his death, in 1994, hundreds of people
attended Nixon’s funeral including Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford. Hell, Billy Graham did the eulogy and pundits and analysts had no shortage of good things to say about the man.

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There is no such redemption for sports owners. Word is
upon the death of Indianapolis Colts owner, Bob Irsay,
in 1997, they had a hard time finding six people to
carry the casket.  After he moved his football team to
Baltimore, Cleveland Browns owner, Art Modell,
literally could not set foot in his home town ever
again out of fear for his safety.

However, no matter how hated Irsay and Modell were and no matter how many legions of fans thought they were money-grubbing scumbags, at least nobody ever accused them of MURDER!

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Another former National Football League owner died earlier this year. Georgia Frontiere passed away January 18th from breast cancer. She was 80-years-old.

Of course, in reporting her death, it was noted that Frontiere was the first female owner in American sports history.

However, every single obituary of Frontiere I could find also mentioned two other things about her life.

1) She was married seven times

2) She was a former Vegas Showgirl (much like the abhorrent Rachel Phelps in the movie Major League)

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There’s one other thing her obituaries mentioned that I was unaware of (maybe I wasn’t old enough). Husband number seven, famed musical composer, Dominic Frontiere, was sent to jail for scalping Super Bowl tickets-while he was married to an N.F.L. owner! Frontiere actually sold thousands of pairs of tickets then refused to pay taxes on the income. Frontiere divorced him while he was in prison. Some say he got off easy.  At least he didn’t die a violent death under mysterious circumstances like a couple of her other exes. But, hey, I digress…

A couple of Frontiere’s obituaries felt compelled to point out that she was living in sin at the age of 80 at the time of her death to some guy named Earle Weatherwax.

And that’s the mainstream media!

How about what the blogs had to say?

This is from thehaternation immediately after Frontiere’s death:

Georgia Frontandrearie regrets
10. Always wanted to fund a final season of “The O.C.” so she could move the setting from beautiful Orange County, to some Mid-West slum.
9. No more late-night joy rides with Leonard Little.
8. Always wanted to go out like Catherine the Great.
7. O.J. never found the real killers. (Unsolved murders really bothered her.)
6. Never hooked up with Robert Irsay to spawn the anti-Christ.
5. Never actually succeeded in her lark to steal candy from a baby.
4. Failed to learn the intricacies of football like the Cover-2 defense or what “NFL” meant.
3. Was a showgirl before they started making real money.
2. She killed a person, yet she didn’t get to be the First Lady.
1. Only outlived Al Davis by 15 years.

Another blog maintained “Furman Bisher killed newspapers the way Georgia killed husbands.”

Ouch!

I received an e-mail from a female friend today. She had seen this blog and was giving me her feedback on it…

Hey Mike,
People love to blog.
I think it’s great! Although i’m shocked at how mean you can be. But, i guess that entertainment.
I hope all is well!

Christine

Well, thanks for the constructive criticism, but after reading those blogs that were written IMMEDIATELY after the woman’s  death, let me say this- when it comes to “mean,” I’M NOT SHIT! I’M NOTHING.  I was particularly in awe of calling a dead octogenarian “Front-and-Rearie.” Nice touch, my friend!

 Now, I understand that’s an LA blog, and as a native of Southern California I also understand the animosity people there still have for Georgia Frontiere. After all, she took football away from the number two city in the nation FOREVER.

However, controversy followed Georgia Frontiere throughout her entire life.

Or, as a Tampa Tribune article once referred to her, Georgia Irwin Geiger Johnson Wyler Hayes Rosenbloom Frontiere.

That Tribune article was written in 2000 and actually broke down the deaths and divorces of all of Frontiere’s husbands. Let’s just say that at least a couple of these guys died under pretty violent and mysterious circumstances.

 And, coincidentally, in each of these cases Frontiere benefitted directly from the outcome.

Frontiere’s marriages date all the way back to 1943. When she was 15 Frontiere eloped with a soldier who went off to fight in World War II. This guy was the first of Georgia’s husbands to die a violent and premature death. However, I’m willing to give Georgia a pass on hubby number one since in all likelihood he was done in by the Nazis.  That marriage was later annulled.

Another of Frontiere’s dead husbands was actually hit by a bus. She had been offered a big role in a Vegas show. Her husband stopped her from taking the part. (Well, at least before the bus.) His death allowed Georgia to move immediately to Las Vegas where she took the starring role in a stage show there. Frontiere eventually married the Vegas guy who hired her as a showgirl.

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From there she moved on to husband number five who, after the wedding, hired Frontiere as a tv weather girl in Miami.

However, it was always her marriage to former Los Angeles Rams and Baltimore Colts owner, Carroll Rosenbloom, that drew the most controversy.  The two first met in 1957 when he was 52. She was 30. Both were married.  They were actually introduced by Joseph Kennedy (father of future president and serial philanderer, John F. Kennedy.)

 The two later married. Shortly after Rosenbloom altered his will (his son says for tax purposes) he was found dead. Despite being a champion swimmer, and someone who swam in the ocean every day, Rosenbloom reportedly drowned on a day with very mild currents.

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In what was either a case of incredibly irresponsible journalism or one of the most underreported stories OF ALL TIME the first ever episode of the PBS investigative series Frontline did a story on the seamy underside of the N.F.L.

In that show PBS showed the incredibly gruesome autopsy photos of  Carroll Rosenbloom. They also interviewed reported “underworld figures” who claimed they drowned Rosenbloom by holding him under water (another wild rumor had Rosenbloom drowning in a hot tub with Frontiere.) The death was eventually ruled an accidental drowning.

In any event, Georgia showed up LATE for Rosenbloom’s funeral then, within months, fired her stepson (who had risen from ball boy to team president over a lifetime of work) and married The Ticket Scalper. She then moved the Los Angeles Rams to her home town of St. Louis and the rest, as they say, is history.

Like each of Georgia Frontiere’s husbands.